A Plethora of Extraordinary Uses for Condoms

Sunday, September 28, 2008
Thought condoms were only for the bedroom? Think again.
Survival Tactics

If you ever find yourself stranded on a desert island in the South Pacific or lost in the Amazon forest, condoms are the perfect survival tool against anything a desert island or tropical jungle throws your way. Now if only somebody could inform the cast of Lost.

1. When the pains of starvation start attacking you, you're going to want to find something to eat. If you happen to be near an ocean, river or even a stream, your best bet is to dust off the old rod and start fishing. Looking for bait? A blown up condom will do just the trick.


2. Whether you want to cook some fish, keep warm or draw the attention of an oncoming ship, you'd better start yourself a fire. To do so, fill a condom with water and refract light the same way you would with a magnifying glass. Before you know it, your water balloon will be bursting into flames.
3. If you're looking to preserve the last supply of fresh water you can find and don't have a water bottle handy, a non-lubricated condom can be the ideal compact water jug
4. You're going to want to keep whatever possessions you still have safe (hopefully those include some versatile rubbers!). Depending on your objects' size and the size of your contraceptive, store those items in a condom. The condom will keep your items dry and airtight.
5. Injuring yourself is the worst thing that can happen to somebody who's trying overcome the obstacles of the unknown. But if you or somebody else happens to hurt themselves, do not fear. Rubbers create excellent sterile dressings and surgical gloves by keeping out infectious blood and fluids. They're also great for mouth to mouth resuscitation or to keep a punctured lung airtight.
6. Last but not least, if you and somebody else are stranded or lost for a long period of time, your libidos are going to get the best of you two. Don't hold it back - let loose. But use a condom - the last thing you need when struggling for survival is a baby!

Just for Fun

Whether you're the creative type or are just looking for something to do on a boring Sunday afternoon, condoms will provide you with a great source of entertainment! The following is a list of things you could do with your rubbers to past the time:

* Use as a shower cap
* Throw a finger puppet show
* Make suspenders
* Cushion you shoe soles
* Prevent soda from fizzing over
* mold your Jell-O
* Create an inexpensive punching bag
* Deck the halls with Christmas stockings
* Make an animal muzzle
* Don't drown - make water wings
* Keep your feet warm
* Invent the first automatic door closer
* Complete your clown costume by adding a big red nose
* Keep a grip on your bicycle handles
* Stretch one over a light bulb for a mood lighting effect
* Put one over a showerhead for April Fool's
* Blow up balloons
* Create baggies for your condiments
* Make eyeballs for a funny pair of glasses
* Balloon puppets
* Nose/Ear plugs
* Paint scales and put in fish tank
* Make ceiling fan covers
* Novelty key rings
* Nipple tassels
* Water bed
* Make a money holder
* Home-made breast implants
* Wax fruit
* Slingshot

The Real World

Believe it or not, condoms have actually been used and are stilled being used in real life situations. Whether smuggling drugs or protecting the urethra, rubbers are being used all around the world by real people.

* In the Amazons, South American foot travellers wear condoms when wading through water. Why? To prevent candirĂº, a species of small catfish, from swimming into their urethras. CandirĂº are attracted to the scent of blood and urine.
* Condoms aren't only for civilian life. They are also used by the military for a plethora of reasons. In the OSS, condoms were used for storing corrosive fuel additives and wire garrottes and holding the acid component of a self-destructing film canister. The Navy SEALs have used doubled condoms, sealed with neoprene cement, to protect non-electric firing assemblies for underwater demolitions-leading to the term "Dual Waterproof Firing Assemblies.".
* To assure that no water or dirt can get in, condoms are placed over the muzzles of guns to prevent fouling
* Smuggling cocaine and other drugs isn't an easy business. Sometimes dealers have to resort to unsanitary and even dangerous methods to get their shipment of crack over the border. This sometimes involves filling a rubber with drugs, tying it into a knot and inserting it in the rectum or swallowing it. Gross, I know. The lethal part: if it breaks, it could cause overdose. So drug users, think twice about where your cocaine has been.

1 comments:

{ asdf } | 3:52 PM said...

Condom Nipple Tassels sounds fun.

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