10 Things women will never admit to men

Wednesday, August 20, 2008
So here are the 10 things that women will never confess to the opposite sex:

1) We are just as horny as you. Scientists are always citing new studies that men think about sex once a minute while women think about it once a day. I don’t know who they’re polling, but this is bullshit. Truth is, just because gals lack testosterone doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy a good lay. We just don’t want to get branded as easy. Believe me, the more chaste and innocent a girl looks, the more likely she is into some fuzzy handcuffs and a well-worn Kama Sutra.

2) We do talk and compare notes with our girlfriends. OK, so maybe our conversations aren’t quite as frank as those on Sex and the City. We’re not going to kiss and tell everything; we’ll leave that up to Cosmo. But for the sake of our mental health, we have to talk – or rant, or rave, as the case may be – about our love lives (or lack thereof). Size may come up; contrary to what we say, it does matter to some extent.(Believe me nothing is more awkward than "Are you in?"..."Yeah, for the past 10 minutes") But it’s much more about how you work what your momma gave ya.

3) We think the penis must be God’s joke to man. C’mon, you can’t tell me it’s exactly an aesthetic work of art. It’s just…funny looking. Granted, vaginas may not be much better, but at least they’re not out in the open and free to sway in the breeze. Besides, you don’t see any Georgia O’Keefe paintings of male genitalia, now, do you?

4) We don’t ‘get’ porn. What exactly is the appeal of clicking with one hand while you ‘double click your mouse’ with the other? Don’t get me wrong; women have elaborate fantasies. But our versions are mostly that – imaginary scenarios existing solely in our heads, or perhaps a bodice-ripper romance novel in which the only picture is on the cover: a Fabio-like hunk in an open, flowing blouse embraces a voluptuous beauty in front of a castle/lake/seashore/etc. Cheesy, but romance is divine. We aren’t as dependent on visual stimulation, and we sure as hell don’t want to see www.barelylegalgirlsgettinggangbanged.com. And don’t get me started on the whole guy fascination with lesbians.

5) We are not above embracing the double standard. Women had to fight for decades to earn the same rights as men. In America, we may have finally won that fight legally, but just because we demand equal pay in our jobs doesn’t mean we’re going to jump for the bill on a date or attempt to move our sofa single-handedly. Call it our revenge for having to wear corsets for several centuries. Oh, we also know you are completely stupified by the sight of boobs and we wield those puppies to our advantage.

6) We created the metrosexual. We just don’t want to sleep with him. For decades, women demanded that men become more domestic, more sensitive, and better able to relate to our emotional needs. Well, now we’ve finally got what we wanted, and we’ve realized that it’s not that fun to wear the pants all the time in a relationship. Call us hypocrites, but how can you feel feminine and sexy when your boy takes longer to get ready than you do? How can you respect a guy who cries during sex, a Disney movie, or a Hallmark commercial? You just can’t. This is why nice guys sometimes do finish last.

7) Yeah, we are crazy. Oh wait, that one’s not really a secret.

8) Society has trained us to hate - or at the very least distrust - you. From infancy, girls are told in various subtle and not-so-subtle ways that anyone with a penis can’t be trusted: “Men are only after one thing.” By the time a gal hits puberty, she’s convinced that most men are slimeballs who only smile at her because they’re imagining her naked; by the time she goes to college, she carries mace on her key ring and has memorized the top 5 date rape drugs and their warning signs. Thanks to well-meaning mothers, after-school specials, and a few too many Oprah reruns, I’m surprised we aren’t all carrying chastity belts and kneeing every guy we meet in the ‘nads.

9) We don’t really know what the hell we want, but we’ll pretend to be relationship experts. Gold-diggers aside, most young women aren’t necessarily chomping at the bit to get married. In fact, some of us are downright terrified of commitment. But dammnit, we’re devoted watchers of Dr. Phil, and we’re determined to keep the gender stereotype as the stable nurturer in a relationship. So be prepared to talk about your feelings.

10) We want to see you happy. Whether it’s asking you to “fix” our stuck cabinet door or set up our speaker system, we’re happy to give you an ego boost now and then. Sometimes it’s just easier to play the damsel in distress, smile, and nod than fight with you over the best way to debug a PC. And take note: this eager-to-please attitude extends to the bedroom, too, so long as you reciprocate.


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