A Man’s Guide for Women (Love Safari)

Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Put down those Women's magazines about men. Here is the truth.

Ladies, put away those magazines. They lie. They tell you what you want to hear. Yes, even Oprah's. Let's break down the male species into their various subcategories so you know what you're getting and what they want from you. Read this and save your money on perfume too. Just roll around in those magazines instead. Let's start with the bottom and end with a bottom. Avoid these breeds:
The Slob

Also known as The Pig, Scrub, and Buffoon, The Slob loves women as much as he loves his entertainment, food, beer and other women. An interesting fact-The Slob always hides an extra woman somewhere. He'll lie, cheat and pour it on heavy at any chance to breed because his chances are low. He wants to get in your pants. He wants to get in every woman's pants.
The Geek

Also known as The Nerd, The Geek's desirability increases as he gets older because his income increases too-a prime breeding point. Quit lying about it ladies. But beware. The Geek wants it as much as The Slob for the same reasons, but he goes about it smarter if not shyer. He wants to get in your pants and every woman's pants.
The Jock

Also called The Gym Rat, Sportsman, and Hunk, most women want this breed. He'll give it to you. He'll also give you STDs, unwanted children, and excuses. The Jock loves to breed as much as any male species, but he can get it more often due to his outer image and desirability. Most Jocks burn bright from ages sixteen to thirty. After this, a spectacle ensues. This type suffers from mid-life crisis more than any others because he desires to recapture past glories. Don't confuse this breed with the Muscle Head. The Jock wants in your pants, will get there, and he'll move on ... a lot.
The Muscle Head

Jocks sometimes morph into the extreme breed called The Muscle Head. He loves the male form, especially his own, and always wants others to see it. This breed likes to take off his shirt or get as naked as possible. He wants you to see his body. The Muscle Head also loves to breed, but with a catch: he loves to breed with just about anything-female or male. In most cases, he'll keep his bisexual interests hidden unless he can make a living at it. He wants to get in your pants. He wants to get in anyone's pants.
The Bad Boy

This breed attracts more attention than any others, and they like it. The Bad Boy wants your attempts to tame him. Bad attention beats no attention, and these attempts land sex. He will cheat as soon as he can. And he will cheat often. They stay this way until something drastic such as death occurs. Marriage does not change the Bad Boy. He wants to get in your pants. He also wants you to help him get into someone else's. The Bad Boy will convince you to do it too.
The Pretty Boy

Also known as The Metrosexual or Peacock, this breed swaggers his wares-prettier than yours-and he lets you know it too. He hordes more hair care, skin, and body products than any woman. He also knows about proper grooming, fashion, and the latest trends. The Pretty Boy won't give you a second glance if you have any flaws. If you don't, he'll find them for you. He practices bisexuality since he also loves the male form-again his own-but not to The Muscle Head degree. He wants to breed, albeit pickier with who, where and when. He wants to get in your pants, but you might have to put a mirror over your face.

The Queer

Also known as The Gay, Homosexual, or Sodomite, this breed attracts a surprising number. They seduce under the friendship guise, but attract because key signals are given though not on purpose. Don't confuse this breed with The Flaming Flamingo. This breed can look like all of the ones above, be masculine, and have the sensitivity selling point. He doesn't want to get in your pants. He wants to know where you got them.
The Flaming Flamingo

The extreme Queer breed, The Flaming Flamingo demands the spotlight everywhere he goes. Women attracted to this breed get graced with the Fag Hag tag. He loves to breed too, but not with females. You will get nowhere with the Flamingo. He doesn't want to get in your pants. He wants to wear them and tell you how fat they make you look.

Still hunting for the most elusive breed: Mr. Right? You passed him a long time ago if you read articles to find him. He married the woman who took notice. Quit looking! Love happens when you stop going on safari. And that's the most honest thing you'll ever read.


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